Suicide of a Loved One
“In the obituaries, they call the friends and family of the person who died the “survivors.” Surviving the suicide of a loved one is one of the most difficult things a person will do. But you will. You will survive.”
The most basic, fundamental decision any person makes is whether we will continue to live. We are so interconnected that when someone makes the choice to end their life it sends shock waves of pain through their community.
Along with dealing with their own pain and loss, the loved ones often have to deal with a society that believes in an eternal punishment for those who commit suicide. But to say that there will be further punishment for a person who was in such emotional or physical pain that the only way they could find to stop it was to end their life shows a lack of understanding about the profound love and compassion that course through the world.
We, the loved ones—the survivors—must seek out that love and compassion so that we may find our own healing.
Personal Story
It was three days before my 10th birthday. Early in the morning I heard the phone ring, then I heard a sound in my parents’ bedroom. I pushed open the door to find my mother and father sobbing. They had just received a phone call informing them that my 23-year old brother had killed himself.
We who loved him reacted in different ways. The grief was so profound, the event so shocking, it was like having your spine ripped out of your body. We were nothing but nerves firing, hurting. Some wanted to talk, others couldn’t talk at all. There was no way to make sense out of it. Sorrow, anger, numbness, it was all there.
And the guilt. That’s the thing with suicide. No matter your relationship, no matter your age, you, the survivor, feel guilt. My parents ached, wondering what they could have done differently. A family friend told me later that she thought of the few conversations she’d had with my brother, and wondered how she might have changed things.
Me—I was just a kid. And yet I latched on to the only self-blame I could find, in the self-focused way of children. My birthday had been coming up. Maybe he did it because he couldn’t buy me a present.
Ridiculous, right? And yet, with suicide, we blame ourselves, no matter the age, no matter the reason.
First, the reality: especially if you’re the parent, you never “get over” your child committing suicide.
But bit by bit, year by year, you become more accustomed to carrying it with you. Professional counseling can be invaluable, whether you’re the parent, the child, the sibling, the partner, or the friend, of someone who committed suicide.
Perhaps the most unbelievable thing is this, and it is also reality: you will know joy again. Yes, you will always have a private sorrow tucked away in your heart. But you will experience love, happiness, and contentment again.
My parents have been married almost 60 years now. They delight in each other, in their remaining children, and in their grandchildren. When the day of my brother’s death comes around each year, they are a little pensive, a little sad. But they have full lives. It took a lot of work, but their marriage survived, and they survived. They have happiness.
All of us who loved him are survivors. Each one of us had to decide for ourselves what meaning we would draw from his life and how we would let his death influence our lives. We miss him, but we continue living. We move forward.
You will survive this.
A Prayer
Spirit of Life, Unknowable Mystery, with hearts broken and souls hurting, we come to lay our burdens down, just for a while, just for a rest. As we navigate through tender days, may we find a way to express and examine our many emotions, knowing that they are not “right” or “wrong,” they simply are. May we feel love, as we move toward healing and peace. Amen.
A Spiritual Practice
Sometimes, one of the most healing things we can do is get a rest from all of the heartache and twisting of our minds struggling to understand the “why” of it all. Our bodies need a way to burn off some of the mental and emotional energy stirred up inside us. What type of physical exercise do you enjoy? Running, swimming, walking … whatever you do, make it a priority during this time. It will help you physically and emotionally, plus it will make it easier for you to sleep.
May you feel the love of friends, family, and the universe.
You will survive this.
- The Exquisite Joy of Being Miserable - May 21, 2012
- Realities of a New Baby - November 11, 2011
- Accepting Help - November 11, 2011
