The Journey to Marriage Equality
“Here is a place to bring your whole self and find sanctuary, nurturing, replenishment, love, and faith in the world we can and will build together.”
Unitarian Universalists stand as a beacon of love and hope during a national debate on LGBT rights. Our faith supports the inherent worth and dignity of every person, with no exceptions. Whether you are single or in a relationship, we believe that love is a gift from God. We also believe that loving couples of all kinds should be able to marry.
This belief is lived out within each person’s own personal call to faith, among congregants who gather for worship and service, and out in the world working for social change. The Unitarian Universalist campaign, Standing on the Side of Love, is described on their web site as, “a public advocacy campaign that seeks to harness love’s power to stop oppression.” It continues with, “No one should be dehumanized through acts of exclusion, oppression, or violence because of their identities.”
I stood in church recently surrounded by a congregation singing: “We are standing on the side of love, hands joined together as hearts beat as one. Emboldened by faith we dare to proclaim we are standing on the side of love…A bright new day is dawning when love will not divide. Reflections of grace in every embrace, fulfilling the vision divine.”
We can find grace that embraces through worship, reflection, prayer, and loving and affirming companionship. The “vision divine” includes all of us—lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning. May you find this faith to be a place where you can bring your whole self.
Personal Story
When I tell my coming out story I speak of how close my mother and I had been. We had an easy, companion-type relationship. We were curious and confident women who had more in common than not. I did not see her lack of acceptance coming. She pushed back, praying that this new lifestyle was “just a phase.” We often avoided the topic of my being a lesbian because it was too painful for her.
All the while I was living across country from her, following my heart versus societal norms. I settled into a life with my partner Linda. After several years together we decided to have a wedding and take the leap of commitment. Where most daughters are greeted with tears of joy when they tell their mother they are getting married—my mother’s tears were tears of sadness. She did not attend our wedding and missed one of my happiest days of my life.
A few years later when Linda and I decided to explore getting pregnant I returned once again to share the news with my mother. Once again she could not support the decision. Her inability to accompany me through those years resulted in a slow and painful severing of an invisible umbilical cord that connected us. What was left was a hole, a hole where my mom had been—a hole full of disappointment, mistrust, heartbreak, anger, and uncertainty.
Fortunately, I had Linda and others in my family supporting me. Fortunately my mother’s rejection may have broken me but did not shatter my spirit. Why not? When I look back I would say it is because coming out; having a joyful, spiritual and celebratory wedding; and laying the ground work for becoming parents were the most honest and courageous steps I had taken in my life. They were steps toward wholeness. They were steps toward living a life I had dreamed of and imagined as a partner and parent.
In order to be whole I had to come out to my mother. In truth I found wholeness in my own loving and own life that was greater than my need of my mother’s approval or acceptance. As devastated as I was with her and she was with me, as much as we had hurt each other, we stayed open to healing and forgiveness. It was not until five years later when our first son was already conceived that my mother and I formally reconciled. I believe the real threat of not having a relationship with the soon-to-arrive grandson helped move her along. Regardless of the reason, the hole was healed and we could move toward a new wholeness in our mother/daughter relationship.
My relationship with UU congregations show a sharp contrast to my mother’s relationship. Several years ago the ministers at my church decided to take a number of same-sex couples across the state border to Iowa so that they could get legally married. My partner, Linda, and I resisted since we wanted to wait until marriage is legal in our own state. A week before the “love bus,” as they called it, was set to depart a couple close to us called. They were heartbroken because we originally said we would go and their sons were looking forward to the bus ride with our sons (then 11 and 13).
Guilt-ridden, we called our boys into the living room to ask if they would be up for joining the other couples going to Iowa and serving as a witness. Quintin, our then 13 year-old, said he would not go unless we got married. Then he asked if he could wear a suit to the wedding!
We couldn’t resist and within days we met with the ministers, pulled together a renewal of our vows and hopped on the love bus. The church in Des Moines greeted us with open arms and each couple took their time with their lovingly-constructed ceremonies. A photo which hangs in our front hallway serves as a daily reminder of the love, joy, and significance of that day. Our sons stood with us as we spoke of our deep commitment to one another and our ministers wove the love of our boys and our church into the sacred moment.
There was so much spirit, reverence, and joy on that day. On our journey home to St. Paul our “legal marriage” became null as we drove down the highway and crossed the Minnesota border. Fortunately that stark reality was contrasted by a large group of church members who greeted the bus when were returned to our church. A glorious reception including a wedding cake and music celebrated our love. It was a day that marked what this faith can do to recognize and hold sacred the love that exists in our congregation. Which is deeply important given that our state refuses to recognize our love and commitment.
A Prayer
Source of Love and God of many names, yet always nameless,
let me be held tenderly in your open embrace.
Shelter me as the storms that come from outside and within my own self
creating fear, sadness, anger and doubt.
For I know that my heart and my love are divine gifts
to be cherished and held as what is holy in this world.
A Spiritual Practice
Journal or meditate on the question of what it means to say “I do.” What does it mean for two people to make that commitment in marriage? What does it mean for two people to be denied the opportunity to make that commitment? What, on a spiritual level, do you make the commitment of saying “I do” to?
Be your whole self out in the world and know that you are loved and supported by this loving faith.
- The Journey to Marriage Equality - November 18, 2011
