Reflections on Job Loss
You are never more yourself than when you are between things be it between one job and another, one home and another, education and working life, work and retirement, and so on. Cherish, nurture, and be kind to yourself in these times of revelation through transition.
—Paraphrased and amended from my friend Susan Dimaline’s words to me years ago.
Whether we suspected it was coming or were taken completely by surprise, we have lost a job and we are likely stunned. In most cases it is not because we did something wrong and are being punished. Remember that each of us has worth and deserves dignified treatment. Losing a job does not actually change who we are, although it can feel that way, at times. Thankfully, we are still ourselves. Each of us is a blessing. Remember that everything changes and that this stage of life will give way to a new one.
Our job meant income, status and gave us part of our identity—part of who we are. Suddenly we are cut loose from those moorings. We are not quite the same person any more, because part of us has changed: the part that went to work and interacted as we did. It can leave us feeling angry at the time of leaving and fearful about the future.
One of the most helpful things a friend said to me in a time of transition was that each of us is the most ourself when we are between things. We are not shaped by an organizational culture at such times, but rather are the most “me” we ever are.
This time can yield a fruitful experience of taking stock and making room for who we have become at this point in our lives. We were so busy working that we may not have noticed our own growing and changing. We need to grieve our loss and to recognize our feelings of anger and fear so that we are able to reap the benefits of reflection.
Personal Story
I was doing a great job at my position, which I loved. My job was terminated and a part-time position replaced some of what I did, with others taking on the rest, as I had already done for those who had been laid off before me. The person who let me go knew I would be in shock. I knew it too. As is the case for many, my being let go was nothing personal. I was not disliked nor was I incompetent. I was told that it was the economy.
I went home to my husband, who was facing his own first day of unemployment. That’s right, he was laid off two weeks before. So now we were both out of a job, with three kids and an elderly parent to support. I was angry, disillusioned, and fearful of how we would manage. And yet I somehow felt that even though I loved my job, I was going to find something even better. I don’t know where that came from but it was irrepressible. As Richard Bolles notes in What Color is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual for Job-hunters and Career-changers, the Chinese character for danger also means opportunity.
Remember, if you enjoyed your job, no one can ever take away the time you had nor the friends you made. If you can and want to, stay in touch with people you know from your former workplace and get together outside of the workplace. You need not lose those friends.
I knew I would feel odd not going to work daily, so I resolved to do an errand each morning just to get out. This made me feel more in control. I actually didn’t end up following this plan but just having a plan helped me.
I was taking stock and assessing my own needs and being serious about caring well for myself. It was spring and I worked in my garden. A friend suggested that I plant a perennial in affirmation of my growing self. I planted a rose bush and it thrived; a symbol of my own thriving. I determined to keep reaching out and not to shrink inward like a snail. I made lots of social plans.
A therapist suggested that our family try an exercise to boost our confidence in coping with this tough time. She said ask each member of the family a list of questions: for example, “Ever been through a parent’s job loss before?” “Ever had less money and had to choose which things you were going to buy?” and so on. All questions were designed to show that we had to cope before, and managed just fine.
You might find it valuable to talk with a religious professional who will listen to you talk about your grief and hopes. Among other feelings I felt angry, and I still am at times. There is a fork in the road of choices I make in which I feel angry and allow myself to experience those feelings, and yet I decide not to go down the road of anger as my choice of action. I only let myself imagine that road.
It is key to reflect alone and also to reflect with others. We need to be able stay upbeat and not wallow in self-pity. The company of constructive-minded others is invaluable. I took a course on balance in work and life to help identify what I would do next. The course content, the company of other participants, and the leader were all very valuable to my identifying and taking next steps. In these tough economic times there are groups to help you stay upbeat and to help you move through a process of letting go and starting anew. You can even start a small group yourself, as I did.
We must value our deepest selves and our highest abilities and also be held in community. This is both the formula for how we can deal with our grief and loss and the formula for how we will move into a new job. We need to take stock, take inventory of ourselves, our abilities and our needs, and also to connect with others for fun, positive reinforcement, and connections that lead to a job.
A Prayer
You can either speak or, if you’d like to, sing “I Know This Rose Will Open” by Mary Grigolia, hymn #396 from the UU hymnbook Singing the Living Tradition. This song can be a comforting prayer in times of fear, discernment, waiting, and hope, after we have done what we can and await the actions of others. The rose symbolizes the onset and flourishing of our hopes and dreams. Singing in times of trouble can be particularly powerful and comforting. Sing or speak the words as you prefer. The words are:
I know this rose will open,
I know my fears will burn away,
I know my soul will unfurl its wings
I know this rose will open.
Implied in these words is the truth that we will help the “rose” to open and also that a certain amount of help outside ourselves will be needed.
A Spiritual Practice
I have found that I need both the “reality check” of processing my transition with others, and the practice of private reflection. With others, I have attended a careers small group that I started, a larger networking group which meets at the library, and a course on career directions.
By myself, the inward-looking process of journaling has been very helpful. Some possible themes to journal on are “what do I want to do most?” or “Who do I want to be?” or “What do I want more of in my life?” You might even like to create a vision board to focus your sense of self.
Alone and together, these processes combined to help me in leaving my job—a process like leaving familiar shores and rowing out into the water, exploring myself and working towards another shore, near or distant, where I find my next adventure. Journaling and group work can help in thinking through the combination of work and personal life to perhaps get a better insight on a better balance in future.
Paula Cole Jones taught me the words of Episcopal bishop, Barbara Harris, “The power behind you is greater than the task before you.” When I remember this it causes me to sit up and to remember my actions matter.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
—Howard Thurman
- Reflections on Job Loss - December 13, 2011
