Pre-schoolers (ages 3-5) often believe the following:
*Death is temporary and reversible.
*When someone dies, he or she is merely living under different circumstances (e.g., underground, up in heaven); the person still eats, sleeps, thinks, and feels.
*It is possible to visit with, talk to, and maintain a physical relationship with the deceased.
*Others will eventually die, but they will not.

Children of this age have no sense of the permanence of death, so you may find yourself repeating the same information over and over. ("Aunt Janey died of a heart attack, and no, she won’t be at the family reunion this year.") They also display magical thinking, in which they believe they have a lot of control over life events. As a result, they often need reassurance that they did not cause or contribute to a loved one’s death.

When a pre-schooler suffers a significant loss, he or she may respond with aggression or combativeness. It also is common for grieving pre-schoolers to regress to a younger stage of development. Furthermore, children of this age often ask many questions about the physical aspects of death, because they are trying to figure out what it means to be dead.

In general, before a significant loss occurs in a pre-schooler’s life, it is helpful to find teachable moments to introduce the concept of change and death. For example, as you walk around the church yard, point out signs of changing seasons (falling leaves) or the cycles of life. Ask the child what happened when you see a dead animal by the side of the road. Be gentle, but correct any misinformation, emphasizing that death happens to us all, and that once we die, our physical bodies never come back to life.

And don’t shy away from saying the words "die" or "death." Children are literal thinkers, and often conjure up complex images of such euphemisms as "kicked the bucket," or "been called away." "Grandma died" is much less confusing to a young child, who then can enter into a discussion of what this means physically and emotionally.

While many adults are tempted to take it easy on a grieving child, structure and clarity are comforting. If you have a child in your classroom who has experienced a significant loss, don’t excuse inexcusable behavior. Be clear about what you expect, and don’t back off from your standards for appropdate behavior. At the same time, don’t hesitate to express your sympathy and concern, even well after the time of the loss; Many people never mention a death or other significant loss after the first few weeks, which adds to the bereaved person’s sense of abandonment and isolation.

Children from about 6 to 8 intellectually understand that death is permanent and irreversible, but still believe that they are immortal. In fact, they often blame people who die for being too clumsy, too old, or physically unable to escape the monster-like figure of death. This may allow children to think about death in a more distant, and therefore more comfortable, way.

You may be surprised by the questions that children of this age ask about death. The following are typical: "If our minister was killed in a car crash, who will light the chalice? " "Since Janey died, who will sit next to me in Sunday School?" You also might notice that children’s fears and questions about death come out in their actions, not their words.

Try to avoid judgment while remaining honest, calm, and true to yourself. Remind the children that we all die, as do all living things, but that most of us will live to be quite old. Explain that sometimes the world feels out of control, but in fact we are in charge of many aspects of our health and well-being. Remind them that we have the choice to eat healthy foods and avoid obvious dangers (smoking, driving too fast, biking without a helmet, running across the street before looking both ways, etc.).

If students in your class know of a specific death and want to hear more details, don’t panic. Listen to their questions to find out what they really want to know. Also consider asking a few questions of your own: "What have you heard? What do you think happened? Why? How do you feel about this?" This can help you determine the real source of worry represented by their apparent morbid curiosity.

The curriculum for the primary grades introduces the concept of loss through an examination of nature and the cycle oflife. It offers clarification around the meaning of death, and provides ample opportunity for children to voice their concerns, fears, and questions about loss and death.