As newlyweds (married in June at North Parish of North Andover in Massachusetts), we have done our fair share of paperwork. The process of changing names (I took her last name, if you’re curious), joining finances, and other efforts have proven to be both challenging and exciting as we start our lives as a married couple. But of all the paperwork we have completed in the past few months, the most important has been the documentation to prepare for this deployment. The system of filing paperwork as a married couple when your marriage is not recognized on the federal level leaves much to be desired.

People think that because “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) has been repealed, that gay and lesbian troops are treated equally in the military, but this is far from the truth. The system is simply not equipped to deal with the variance in state and federal marriage laws, or accommodate same-sex partners of servicemembers. Needless to say, I see this not only as a personal issue, but also as a civil rights issue, and one that reflects our need for reform as a society. This is an issue of justice and equality.

As a person of Unitarian Universalist faith, I affirm the expression of love and commitment for many types of families. With the repeal of DADT, a big hurdle has been cleared in the ability of servicemembers to fully be themselves. But there is much work still to be done. The reality is that military personnel do not serve alone; their families also serve. Unfortunately, many of those families serve invisibly because the system is not set up to acknowledge them yet.

This month I will join hundreds of others in similar situations as we lobby in D.C. for equal rights for same-sex partners of military servicemembers. This is an effort to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, and educate our representatives about how current policies harm our families. I will be speaking as a person of Unitarian Universalist faith, and as a military spouse whose wife is deployed. I pray that my voice is heard.

As Theodore Parker once asserted, I truly do believe that the arc of the Universe bends toward justice. My hope is that, someday, all families of U.S. military personnel will be fully acknowledged, and that all same-sex partnerships are acknowledged on a federal level. Until that day, I believe that we are called as people of faith, as Unitarian Universalists, to spread the good news of our faith and its radical acceptance of GLBT persons and their families. We offer a unique perspective that affirms diversity, and we need to join the conversation! Yes, there is an arc that bends toward justice. And we have the opportunity to push it closer and closer to its goal.

I am a military wife.

This is an identity I never anticipated claiming. The daughter of a father who was drafted during Vietnam, I have not always held the military in the highest esteem. Even when I worked at the VA with veterans of all ages, I did not envision myself as married to a servicemember in a million years! I have always respected military servicemembers, and appreciated their service. But to be honest, I really had no interest in being part of that system! And yet, years later, I claim this identity with admiration and appreciation for my spouse and her commitment to service as a Captain in the United States Air Force Reserve.

Life works in mysterious ways, and is constantly stretching me. When I fell in love with Susan, it became clear that the military would become part of my life. While this is not always easy, I know that her status as a “future-minister’s wife” is no walk in the park either! But each of us feels called to our vocations, and it is amazing to have a partner who understands what it feels like to be called. And, as a friend of mine described perfectly, it is a voluntary military and a voluntary marriage. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.

I write this entry at the beginning of a new journey for us, one week after Susan began a 6-month deployment to Afghanistan. This deployment came as a bit of a surprise to us, as it was originally planned to start in October. Needless to say, it has been an adjustment to have her away. But life is one big adjustment, isn’t it? Just when we feel comfortable somewhere or with someone, things shift. What a ride!

And so, I have joined the ranks of thousands of other women and men who are spouses and partners to servicemembers in the United States Armed Forces. It is not a role I completely understand as of yet, and I learn at least one new thing every day about what is expected and necessary for the support of such a calling. I am learning how to respond to people’s questions about where she is, and why she serves. I am learning how to explain what it is like to have my spouse on the other side of the world on a base in a place that is fraught with violence and conflict. And I am learning how to be there for her, and provide support and love across the miles and time zones and technical difficulties.

And I have come to learn that I have more in common with “military wives” than I once thought. I’m related to some of them! When my father was drafted during Vietnam, he and my mother were married two weeks before he left for a 6-month tour. And years before that, my aunt and uncle were married just before my uncle left to serve on a submarine for a 6-month tour. Both of their marriages are still strong, and loving, and solid after 50 and 42 years, respectively. So when other military spouses tell me that this deployment will make my marriage stronger, I can’t help but believe them.

The next six months will bring challenges, as all experiences in life do. But they will also offer opportunities for reflection, appreciation, and transformation.

People say that time changes us; that with every new experience or event in our lives, we are somehow altered. While I think this is somewhat true, I tend to embrace a different framework. I embrace the idea that time does not change us, but rather unfolds us. This is a saying attributed to Max Frisch. It is a quote that I have hanging in my living room, next to a picture of me and my wife. The picture is of our hands, intertwined in one another, and the ribbons we used in our handfasting ceremony during our wedding service. It is a testament to the nature of our relationship, as a consistently evolving and transformative experience; the openness to love one another, and the potential for unfolding that is inherent within.

This idea of our lives unfolding is the way I think about the concept of transformation. While people can certainly change throughout their lifetimes, it seems that with each passing day, we mostly become more and more who we are. And so it is in marriage, parenting, and any relationship where we are invested and committed. Such relationships help us to go beyond ourselves, and see things from a different perspective. This change in our lens helps us to see our strengths and gifts, and areas where there is room to grow.  It seems that at the core of who we are, there is potential for growth and transformation. In each of those relationships, we learn more about ourselves, and the way we are in the world.

Just as a tree takes on different shapes and sizes throughout its lifespan, from seed to sapling, to sturdy oak, so do we as human beings. We are constantly emerging, growing, and changing shape. For many of us, this includes assuming new roles or taking on new responsibilities. Ideally, I suppose these roles would all converge into one and we would be integrated and whole beings. But that is so difficult sometimes!

Often, our roles conflict with one another, or cause tension in our lives or relationships. But even in those moments, there is a potential for growth and unfolding; there is a chance for transformation. We unfold across our lifespan, and grow more into who we are. In those instances, there is also a possibility of transformation for others’ ideas about us and the many roles we hold. The potential for transformation, for learning, and for understanding lies within us and around us. Perhaps the key to such a discovery or development lies in our ability to live the journey and be open to all of the things (good and bad) that we might realize about ourselves. And perhaps the most effective thing we can do is not strive to become someone or something else, or to change who we are, but to let our lives unfold to exhibit the transformation that has taken place.