Amazing Grace
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Almost every Wednesday morning at my Lutheran school, we sang this song. No one taught us what the words meant, but over time I figured out that grace was somehow connected to a mysterious thing called the Holy Spirit, or, as I was first taught, the Holy Ghost. As a child, the word “ghost'” only meant one thing to me: a being without a body that was hellbent on possessing mine. And indeed, that’s what the Holy Spirit seemed to do. I was told that without the Holy Spirit entering you, you could not be saved.
Amazing grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
Surrounded by the joyful singing of my fellow students and teachers, I mouthed the words with trepidation, the sweet sound, did not see what the others saw.
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
and grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
the hour I first believed.
What is this thing that would make you suddenly fearful, and at the same time feel such relief from fear that you would become as immensely grateful as the words express? It was clear that I had never experienced grace; the Holy Spirit had not entered me.
Eventually, I walked away from Christianity and these things became mere ideas from someone else’s belief system. But lately, the Holy Spirit has been on my mind again. Spirit of Life, come unto me, we sing every week at my Unitarian Universalist congregation. We’re actually inviting a spirit to come possess us!
I can’t help but notice similarities between the perplexing Holy Spirit of my youth and this comforting Spirit of Life. Somewhere along the line I learned that fear doesn’t always mean to be afraid. It can describe a state of awe. And I have felt awe. There have been times when my perspective suddenly shifts. I am gently yet irresistibly put in my place as just one tiny speck in a universe of specks. Surprisingly, rather than causing feelings of despair, it’s comforting and liberating. (Roots hold me close? wings set me free.) Because at the same time I realize that all our specks are interconnected. We are not alone and our salvation depends on each other.
At moments when I really know this—not just intellectually—I feel the holy Spirit of Life course within me. And I know that there is no need to invite the spirit in. She is always there as that divine spark within each and between all of us. Connecting us. Moving us towards each other.
I’ve had this realization several times now, and yet each time still gasp with amazement. That sudden awareness of the divine within, that connection to the divine all around, and the knowledge that the two are one and the same—that is amazing grace.
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