Finding Forgiveness
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Note from Meg: As we welcome Danny Givens as our new CLF prison chaplain, I’ve asked him to take my place in this issue to share some thoughts on forgiveness.
Many of us are struggling to forgive our parents. As adults, we’re wrestling with our parents’ inability to give us what we needed when we were kids. I find that the first step towards healing is just naming this fact. Not blaming, but just naming all of the facets of what didn’t work for us. From there, we can create a plan of action. What are the markers along the way that will be affirming? It’s hard to measure progress because it’s such tough work, so it helps to do a geo-mapping of it all. Which parts of the relationship still have the most magnetic hurt, or sting? How do you protect your heart as you interact with this person?
I’ve been coming to grips lately with the pain between my father and me. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about forgiveness came with the birth of my firstborn. My father and I have a strained relationship, but I said to him, “Hey, regardless of what’s between us, this is your first grandchild from me, and I need you to come to the hospital.” But he did not show up. When he didn’t respond, I was hurt and broken. I don’t want this pain going to the next generation. It was weighing me down every time I’d look at my son, because my son has my father’s eyes—he looks just like my dad. I couldn’t take the pain anymore.
So I put my son in the car and drove to my father’s house. I told myself, What I want right now is just for my father to meet my son. I don’t expect reconciliation. I needed to swallow my pride. On the way over, I talked to myself about what I’d do if my dad didn’t open the door, what I’d do if he didn’t want to see my son. I needed to protect my heart—I told myself he’d still be the same dad he’s always been. Anything above that, praise God.
When I got there, he opened the door and I said, “Hey, I brought your grandson to meet you.” We went and sat down—he had my son on his lap. And then he said something that changed my entire view of my father that challenged all of the assumptions I’d held about him for so long.
He said, “Your son will grow up able to call you father, able to call you Dad. I never had that. My father was murdered when I was six years old. I can remember seeing him only three times. I’ve never called another man Dad.”
In that moment, my heart just broke, because I couldn’t imagine that—as a young boy, never being able to call anyone Dad, and to hear a voice say back, “Yeah, son?” It made sense of why he has been absent from my life. I walked away with my heart broken open. I haven’t seen my father since that day, but I got what I wanted. I wanted my son to see my father, and that happened. I was blessed to learn something I didn’t know about the man I have been able to call Dad.
That’s the thing about forgiving parents. You have to see them as humans, not just as parents. They’re susceptible to the same things everyone else has to deal with. Just because they’re my parents doesn’t make them super-human. Just because they have kids doesn’t mean they know how to be the parent a child needs or wants them to be.
After that encounter with my father, I felt lighter. My father and I are still struggling with our relationship, and we probably always will. But I received a gift that day, and my life now carries much more lightness.
This had a profound effect on my body and spirit. There are physical tensions that you carry in your body when you hold onto resentments that are released when you walk in forgiveness. Studies have shown that people who are forgiving may recover from illness faster than those who are not, and the ones who make the transition to death make it in a more peaceful and loving way.
When you haven’t forgiven someone, including yourself, it’s like there is a kid in a candy shop grabbing your hand, who won’t stop pulling on you until you buy them what they want. I’m still working on forgiveness, and will be my whole life. But that kid isn’t tugging on my arm anymore.
- Finding Forgiveness - September 1, 2015
