REsources for Living
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Our theme for this month is Mistakes and Failures—which I think of as two very different things. Failures have emotional weight, and consequences. Mistakes, on the other hand, are just things that don’t go as you expected, or as you intended. They…just happen. I realized the other day that the attitude towards mistakes forms a crucial difference between two of the little sub-cultures I participate in. I love both English country dancing—think what you would see at a ball in a Jane Austen movie—and contra dancing, which is the more energetic American version of country dancing.
I recommend them both. English country dance has a lovely flow, as people strive to keep everything exactly with the phrasing of the beautiful music. Contra is a bit wilder, with a style that encourages extra flourishes and spins. There is a beauty to English dance that comes from everyone really trying to get it right, to create patterns that proceed so smoothly that it feels like the dance emerges from the music itself. But sometimes that desire to get it right can turn into trying to get other people to do it right, and all the joy can get squeezed out if someone in the line sees you make a mistake and then feels the need to instruct you for the rest of the dance.
Contra dance, on the other hand seems to exist with the assumption that everyone will dance at the level at which they are likely to make some mistakes. New dancers are often confused about which way to go, and depend on those they are dancing with to get them pointed in the right direction. But as people become more used to the figures and calls and more likely to be in the right place at the right time, they start to add in layers of difficulty. There is the challenge of figuring out how to add in extra twirls and flourishes, while still ending up at the right place at the right time. And then you can add to the challenge by learning the “gents” role if you are used to dancing as a “lady” or vice versa. And then you can try swapping roles with your partner at various points during the dance. And then, if you have a group that likes to play, you can really transgress against the rules by finding ways to switch around partners during the course of the dance.
And sure, it is certainly possible for the mistakes that are inevitably caused by these shenanigans to be annoying. Nobody wants the line of dancers to become hopelessly muddled. But it turns out that there is a lot of joy and laughter to be found living at that edge where mistakes will happen, and then get fixed, and the flow of the dance—or life—continues. It turns out that the mark of a really advanced contra dancer is not a person who never makes mistakes, but rather a person who is able to fix mistakes so smoothly that you might never even know that things had ever gone awry.
Mistakes happen when we push to the edge of our comfort zone. They are a sign that we are growing, trying to learn, to improve our skills. And so I try to preserve a contra dance state of mind in other areas of my life, including those with more emotional weight. My dance friend Les used to use the pronoun “she,” but now uses “they.” It’s taken me a while to adjust, and I have been known, in the midst of a dance, to tell someone “go swing her” rather than “go swing them.”
It’s a mistake. It doesn’t mean I’m bad or ill-intentioned. It also doesn’t mean that Les is doing something wrong by expecting me to use different pronouns than the ones I was used to. It means I say sorry and we move on. It’s not Les’s job to arrange their life to keep me from feeling uncomfortable or bad—but then, it’s also not my job to feel bad. It’s my job to keep practicing until what was once awkward becomes easy.
Mistakes are bound to happen when we engage with people whose life experience is different from ours because of gender or race or ability or sexual orientation or class or whatever. We are all ignorant about the lives of other people in profound ways. The only way to avoid mistakes is to stick with people who are as much like us as possible—and miss out on the amazing, complex dance of diversity.
What makes it possible for us to dance together is the understanding that while mistakes will happen, mistakes can also be fixed, and we can move on with more grace in the future. Sometimes we will be in the wrong place. And the most helpful response to someone being in the wrong place is to tell them where you want them to be instead. Not to shame them, but to help them be right. And then the most helpful response to that instruction is to move where you were asked to go. Not to make a production of how bad or wrong you are, but also not to argue. Just to shift to a place that allows the dance to go on.
Make mistakes. Fix them. Make new mistakes. Follow the two essential rules of contra dance: Don’t stop. Have fun.
- REsources for Living - December 1, 2020
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- REsources for Living - November 1, 2020
