REsources for Living
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When Rev. Meg first suggested that our theme for May be “Gratitude” I have to confess I was just a bit confused. Don’t we do gratitude in November, with Thanksgiving?
I mean, if you have a whole holiday all about gratitude, aren’t you going to go with that? The point, Meg patiently explained, is that gratitude isn’t just for one day a year, or even one month a year. It’s a spiritual practice that’s good for everybody, every day, whatever way you might express your thankfulness.
She’s right of course, and I couldn’t agree more. Being grateful is the foundation of living with a peaceful heart. It is certainly something that we need to practice every day, not just when there is turkey or cranberry sauce in the house. But since I have just a hint of a hard time pulling my focus off of holidays, let me point out that May has not one, but two, holidays that have everything to do with gratitude.
Mother’s Day falls near the beginning of May—May 8th this year—and, if you think about it, it’s a day for being grateful to and for mothers. And Memorial Day falls at the end of May—May 30th this year—and it’s a day for being grateful to and for those who have died in military service to their country. There you have it: May wins out over November for gratitude holidays!
Of course, gratitude isn’t quite as simple as we might like. I’m sure you don’t always feel grateful to your mother, and being told that you should thank her on a certain day might just make you even more grumpy about the ways she doesn’t or didn’t live up to all the things you thought a mother should be and do. And really, if you think about it, we weren’t the ones who asked to be born, or to be raised by the people who raised us. Personally, as a mom through adoption, it kind of makes me nuts when people suggest that our daughter is lucky that she came to us, or that she should feel grateful to have us as her moms. It’s not like we adopted her to do her a favor. We wanted a baby, and she’s the one we got.
But…what an amazing thing it is that people choose to be parents! Being a mom is hard. Really hard. For a really long time. It takes creativity and energy and patience and determination and a willingness to go forward when you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing. So it’s not surprising that some people do it better than others, or that even the people who do it really well mess up pretty badly sometimes. You don’t need to be grateful to your mom for being the perfect mother, especially since there’s not much chance of that happening. But isn’t it good to be grateful for the gift of life, and for the gift of love?—even if the person who gave you life wasn’t able to raise you, or the way your mother expresses her love might just drive you nuts?
Sure, it’s easier to be grateful to someone who greets you with warm homemade cookies after school than someone who insists that you do all your math homework—correctly—before you can play with your friends. But there are a lot more chances to practice gratitude if you celebrate life and love without demanding that life and love look a particular way before they earn your celebration.
Memorial Day, it seems to me, offers a similar, if even more difficult, opportunity for thankfulness. It can be pretty rough trying to wrap your mind around gratitude on Memorial Day if you happen to feel that the wars which caused so many deaths were a mistake, and that many of the people we honor on that day shouldn’t have died to begin with. Frankly, gratitude on Mother’s Day may be tricky enough, but it’s a whole lot easier to celebrate life and love than a holiday about violent death.
But…what an amazing thing that people are willing to risk their lives for others, that our ability to love goes beyond our family and friends to a whole country. Yes, it makes complete sense to be sad about those who died in war—the soldiers and citizens who will never return to their families. But the wonderful thing about gratitude is that you can be sad and grateful at the same time. When people we love die, whether it’s in the military or simply of extreme old age, we’re sad, and maybe even angry that they are gone when we weren’t ready to say good-bye. But we are also grateful that we knew them, and that they were a part of our lives for as long as they were.
So sure, I’ll be grateful come November, and more than happy to participate in the feasting. But maybe May is the time to feel gratitude not just for simple things, like pumpkin pie, but also for complicated things like love and death and the chance to be involved in this mixed-up, crazy activity called life.
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