Who Am I?
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If asked to answer the question Who am I? how would you answer? No context, no setting, no defined purpose for asking, just the question: Who am I? If you haven’t already, I invite you to stop reading and take a moment to think about it, right now. What would your answer be? Who are you?
Identity is such a tricky thing. It’s fluid, and our answers to the question of who we are both change and remain stable over time. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have answered “minister,” but now that’s a central part of who I am. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have answered “husband,” but my marriage is now a central part of my life. Three years and one week ago, I wouldn’t have answered “father,” but now parenting is a central focus of my day-to-day activities. On the other-hand, male, straight, white and Unitarian Universalist are all identities that have remained a constant throughout my life. But even with those consistent identities, my understanding of them has changed over time. For example, I have a much more nuanced understanding of my whiteness now than I did ten years ago. And the way that I am Unitarian Universalist in the world has evolved considerably across my lifespan. So even my relatively fixed identities have changed. And yet, despite all this change, I still feel like the same me at my core. A changed me, but me nonetheless.
And, there are still other ways to define ourselves. When I paused just now to answer the question Who am I? the first response that came into my head was “I’m someone who is committed to learning and growing throughout my lifetime.” That’s a value, a belief. It’s not the only way I identify myself, but in this moment at least it felt like the most important one. There are also, of course, parts of identities that we might consider of lesser import or weight—for example, I’m someone who loves science fiction and fantasy novels, I’m a Boston sports fan, and I’m also a technology enthusiast. I wouldn’t say those are the most important things to know about me, but they’re part of who I am.
Then there’s the value in our identities to consider. I’ll never forget the sermon I heard as a layperson attending my UU church in Philadelphia, from a UU minister who was serving as the director of a retirement home. She lifted up her concern for the folks she was working with who seemed to have lost value in the eyes of so many in our society because they were no longer working. One of the first questions we typically ask when we get to know people is What do you do? with the clear assumption being that everyone has a job.
Which is why if someone answers that question by saying they are a stay-at-home parent, or they currently unemployed, the ensuing conversation often feels awkward. Our culture places value on working, and assumes that we all are. This minister shared with us how she was aware of how often her clients seemed to be diminished by no longer having a culturally valued job—not just in interactions with others, but also in many cases in how they saw their lives in general. She challenged us to remember everyone’s inherent worth and dignity. That challenge has remained with me throughout my life and ministry.
Which parts of your identity are valued most by your culture? Which parts of your identity do you value the most yourself? Is there ever any conflict or tension between the two?
There are so many harmful stories that our culture tells us that affect us even when we’re aware that they are harmful. Violence pervades our media and our video games these days, and we like to pretend that if we know better it won’t have an impact. Strict gender roles are part of the fabric of our society. As a boy raised by Unitarian Universalist parents in a Unitarian Universalist church, I can personally attest that all the valuing of my feminine side and all that I was taught about valuing my feelings didn’t keep me from deeply internalizing our society’s message that boys and men shouldn’t cry. I rarely cry to this day. Despite the gains with marriage equality, the LGBTQ community still doesn’t have full equal rights and protections as the law of the land in our country. Yes, there are some local ordinances passed, but in far too many places, gay people can be fired simply for being gay with no repercussion to the employer or legal recourse.
What message does that send about how we value those people’s worth and dignity?
I don’t think there’s a magic bullet that is going to make all of this go away. I do think that we can make a difference simply by continuing to do the things we’re already doing to help change and transform the cultural norms and values with which we disagree. We can bring greater awareness to the impact all these messages have on us, even and despite the fact that we know they’re trying to change us. We can bring awareness to the reality that identity is varied and shifting, and that there are many different ways that we are seen and that we see others, and that they are usually not one and the same. To create a culture where we not only recognize, but truly honor, uplift and respect the inherent worth and dignity of every person, we have to increase our awareness, and continue the work of changing our cultural messages. We can help each other know, not just in our head, but also deep in our bones, that we, that I, that you, have worth and dignity.
In addition to his time in Japan and London, Rev. Seth has had multiple opportunities to live, study and travel abroad: a month in China volunteering teaching English to underprivileged youth, a trip to Australia for the 2009 World Parliament of Religions, two weeks sight-seeing in Senegal, and a Unitarian Universalist service trip to Haiti where he helped lay the foundations for the first three houses in a 100-home eco-village for refugees from the earthquake in Port-au-Prince.Rev. Seth’s wife, Elizabeth, is also a Unitarian Universalist minister, and they are blessed with three beautiful children: Mira, age 5, Theo, age 3, and Elias, 18 months.
At the time of publication, Rev. Seth will just have returned from sabbatical, which featured a prestigious Lilly Foundation Clergy Renewal Program grant that he and the congregation were fortunate to receive.The highlight of the grant-funded sabbatical was a 6-week trip for the entire family to Costa Rica where Rev. Seth completed a Yoga Teacher Training certification.
