A Child in the Hospital
Sleep, my child and peace attend you, all through the night. I who love you shall be near you, all through the night. Soft the drowsy hours are creeping, hill and vale in slumber sleeping , I my loving vigil keeping, all through the night.
—Traditional Welsh Lullaby, Adapted by Alicia Carpenter
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
—Elizabeth Stone
When your child or infant is in the hospital, ill or injured, you may feel like all of life’s “knowns” are turned upside down. Suddenly unmoored, you may be struggling to regain some control over your life as you seek to protect your child. You may be wondering how this could have happened or why?, wondering “What did we do to deserve this?” or “Where is God?”
You did nothing to deserve what is happening to you and your family. Your child did nothing to deserve the suffering he or she might be experiencing now.
Though we wish it were different, suffering is a part of life, as is death and pain. The spirit of love that many call God is not one that abandons us in times of trial and suffering. Though you may feel despairing, know—however you can—that you are not alone in this and neither is your child.
The life force is strong, love is powerful, your loving presence at your child’s bedside is important and just by being there, you make a difference for them. The power of prayer is mysterious, but, regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, knowing that others are thinking of you and your child and praying for their care can be deeply powerful. The Holy can be present in the collective energy concentrated toward your child.
It is OK to be angry—at God, at the universe, at people, and, yes, sometimes even at doctors. It is OK (and good!) to express your pain, suffering, grief, and frustration. And it is also OK to find places to laugh and to continue to enjoy life.
It is alright to mourn the fact that you may feel like there is no purpose right now. And it is also alright to find meaning in what you and your child are facing, even if you have to dig deep.
Just as they are for you, you are a great source of strength for your child. As you care for yourself, you care for them. As you are present to them in body and spirit, you impart to them that they are not alone. They will know that your love will never leave them and that, through you, the love of the Holy, surrounds you all.
Personal Reflection
Having a child in the hospital is a terrifying thing. As a mother of a child with chronic and life threatening illnesses, believe me, I’ve been there. More than once, I have had to face the mortality of the most special person in my world.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that maintaining my spirituality has been challenging at times. When your child is hurt or sick, you suffer too. No parent wants to see their child suffering or in pain. When your child receives a diagnosis, there is a grieving process that you go through. You have allow yourself time to grieve the life you thought you and your child were going to live.
It’s very difficult not to be angry at God for putting the person you love more than life itself in this position. It’s also difficult not to be angry with yourself. You search for something that you could have said or done that could have prevented what is happening or would have changed the course that your child’s life has now been put on. Allow yourself to have that moment. But keep it to a moment. Your child is counting on you to be their advocate.
Nurturing your spiritual well-being is one of the most important things you can do to support both you and your child. I have done so in especially difficult times by finding purpose in everything that we were dealing with. I have also drawn strength from knowing and leaning upon other parents that have shared my experience. I have found that focusing on the positives in our world has helped me when things get difficult.
In all honesty, I take many of cues from my son. At eight years old, he is eternally optimistic about everything. It never ceases to amaze me how he takes everything in stride. I have learned so much about how to handle adversity by following his lead.
It is also crucial, as parents, to take a moment to ourselves. It is so easy to become lost in everything that is going on with our children when they are in the hospital, ill, or injured. But it is important to replenish your own emotional/spiritual needs.
Remember that you can only give from your “overflow” and if your cup is not full, then you are actually doing your child a disservice because you cannot fully be there for them. I’ve learned that taking a few moments to do something that I enjoy can recharge my spiritual battery so that I can be everything my child needs me to be.
Much of this experience will be what you make of it. No matter what projected outcome medical professionals give, only you are in control of what your experience and your child’s will be.
Personally, I have found that finding small joys in even the most trying situations has allowed our family to move through our lives with grace. I wish you many blessings and send healing thoughts to your child.
Melissa, Mom to Jordan, Cincinnati, Ohio
A Prayer
Source of All Life, hear my prayer.
My child is ill, so fragile and young,
so small and vulnerable, and I am afraid.
Deliver my precious one from pain.
May we have strength and courage, life and laughter.
Bless my child with love
that our fear may be banished and suffering eased.
Amen
A Child’s Prayer
Please bless me every single day
and help me as I make my way.
Bless my family and my friends
and our love that never ends.
Thank you for the hands that care.
And when things sometimes don’t feel fair,
hear me cry and dry my tears.
Let me tell you all my fears.
Bless me as I try my best
and help me get some healing rest.
Amen
Spiritual Practice
Accept Support
You are not alone. Opening your heart to support is not always easy, but is an important practice, especially when you are caring for an ill child. Try making it a spiritual practice each day to accept at least one aspect of support that is offered to you by family, friends, or hospital staff.
Breathe
Taking time to breathe deeply can dramatically affect your experience while your child is in the hospital. At the bedside, in a parent lounge, the hospital chapel, at home, or outside, try taking just 10 deep breaths. With each inhale, try pulling air all the way into your stomach and with each exhale, push out all the stale air in your lungs and in your body. As you inhale, breathe in everything you need–love, patience, courage, rest, strength, peace–and as you exhale, breathe out all that is troubling you. You might try the following mantra as you breathe:
When I breathe in, I breathe in Peace.
When I breathe out, I breath out Love.
Celebrate
Celebrating when you can will allow your spirit to rejuvenate. When your child is doing well or makes progress, allow yourself to experience joy. The mantra below may aid in celebrating joy in your life.
May all beings have happiness and its causes,
May all beings be freed from suffering and its causes;
May all beings dwell in joy transcending sorrow;
May all beings dwell in equal love for those both close and distant.
—Traditional Buddhist
Express Yourself
You may feel that if you let your feelings flow or begin to vent your frustrations, you won’t be able to stop. But you will.
Try setting time aside to express your emotions in ways you feel most comfortable. Allow yourself to feel the release of emotion with others, in writing, in art, dance, or prayer. Start simply by finishing the statement: I feel…
Other ideas for reflection or journal prompts:
- In what ways do you experience your feelings: what color, shape, texture do they have?
- If God were sitting in the room with you, what would you want to say? What do you think God would say to you?
- What would you like to say to your child that you may not have expressed?
Spiritual Practice for Children
Children who are ill and in the hospital can have a lot of feelings that can sometimes be confusing. One way to help them get in touch with and express their emotions and process the experience is to help them “color their heart.”
Draw a large heart on a piece of paper. On the same paper or another, have the child choose five to six colors and assign feelings to those colors. Have them draw a small circle of each color and write the feeling of their choice beside it (eg. red=happy, blue=calm, yellow=mad, etc). Then ask the child to fill in the heart using the colors that match the emotions they are feeling at the moment. (eg. If they are mad, they might fill their heart with the color yellow and add only a little bit of red for being a little happy.)
You might be surprised how their feelings might change in the process of the exercised. This is a good practice for parents or guardians to do along with the child. Then discuss together how much of each color you have in your hearts and why.
You might take some time in silence to honor your feelings or share the following statement together:
This is who I am, and this is what I feel in my heart.
I am loved for who I am.
How I feel is true now and may change.
I am loved always.
May gentleness and love surround you and sustain you. May you be blessed with courage and with peace. Go from this place restored, knowing that you are not alone.
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Megan returned to Connecticut in 2011 where she completed her internship at The Universalist Church in West Hartford. She was ordained by that congregation in collaboration with her home congregation, First Unitarian Church of Cincinnati, in 2012. Megan served the The Universalist Church as Associate Minister from 2012-2013 and then the Shoreline Unitarian Universalist Society in Madison, CT as consulting minister shortly after the birth of her daughter. She returns each summer to Spring Green, Wisconsin, home of her Unitarian ancestors where she preaches in the historic Unity Chapel. Megan was called to USNH in 2015 and lives in New Haven with her husband, Anthony Clark, her two-year old daughter, Arden and two cats.
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Wow, this is a really great piece! I would love to hear more of your stories from your time as a pediatric chaplain and other spiritual practices you did with children.