A Lump in My Throat

I woke up this morning at 4:45am. I was simply done with the sleeping of the night—it was a restless night anyway. I kept waking up. I kept waking up because of a little annoying pain in my throat and the slightly discomforting feeling of my breathing being affected by some mysterious thing that literally seems stuck in my throat.

A few weeks ago I began to feel this little thing. I got it checked out and I am being sent to have a scope put down my throat and possibly a MRI or CAT scan. Since the thyroid test came back normal, and the strep test negative—that leaves the options of a possible tumor. As the non-news news sinks in further, the realization that I currently have no health insurance is just a little disconcerting.

My gut tells me that there is something growing in my throat that isn’t supposed to be there. I know it will have to be taken it out. I know this will cost thousands of dollars. For some reason I don’t think it is malignant.

On the financial front, I have applied for the state public health programs and I do have a back up plan to apply to hospital program should I be denied from the state programs but should I be denied from that program too; well then…I don’t know what. Guess I’ll have to come up with another plan.

It seems a little odd to me but I do not feel panicked. I do not feel sickened with terror. I feel a strange sense that everything will be ok and work itself out one way—or the other. I guess this is blind faith. Perhaps un-informed, perhaps ill-informed, perhaps blindly naïve and perhaps part of my particular version of stubborn hope. And maybe my gut is wrong and maybe it is malignant or maybe it is just an inflamed saliva gland. Maybe it is an abscess on my tonsil…maybe it is some other thing whose name I do not know. This is perhaps the one instance in which I would be elated to be completely and utterly wrong, wrong, wrong. Perhaps this will all be a scare that I can laugh away when it is done.

I took a leap of faith back in December and also in February. First in December I decreased my work hours so that I could focus on school, which is when I became unqualified for health insurance. Then I quit my job altogether in February in order to focus more on my studies and my internship. I am hoping that a grant application will be approved for my internship work.

Taking both of these leaps felt risky but they were also life affirming because I was consciously choosing to chase after the things I feel passionately about. I am not completely without common sense; I had already begun the application for the state health programs in January.

From dealing with my parents’ health and disease journeys I know this is a waiting game. I can spend it worrying and fretting or I can know I have done what I can, I have no control and I must wait. I know this is my choice to worry or not.

So after a leisurely early morning which started at 4:45am: doing the dishes in the sink, drinking my coffee, eating my breakfast and reading Religion Dispatches and CNN.com articles on my laptop, cozily on the couch I am off to meet the rest of the day. It feels like a very regular day. First I will visit the dog park with my awesome Atty, then I will dive into my reading for class before scurrying off to one of my internships (I have two) working with middle-schoolers and then night class. I think it will be a good day.

Thanks!