Domestic Abuse and Intimate Partner Violence
“Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor.”
—Romans 12:9-10 (NRSV)
In his letter to the new Christian church in Rome, Paul advises a community struggling to maintain positive and loving relationships following a period of upheaval. His words resound through the ages as an admonition to treat each other with respect and affection, to honor one another.
As Unitarian Universalists we take this advice seriously. As a community of faith we covenant to honor each other even in disagreement and to recognize the inherent worth and dignity of every person.
In a relationship that includes one partner exerting undue power and control over the other, these admonitions and shared wisdom seem to be distant dreams. One party is habitually dishonored and the other loses a piece of humanity by terrorizing the other with threats and, too often, real violence.
Living as either the one who wields power or the one who cowers in fear is confusing and dangerous. How did the love get lost? How can this cycle of abuse end? Can we find a way back to peace and affection? Is it safe to leave an abuser? Can I stop hurting my loved one? What is love anyway?
When the family unit includes children witnessing abuse, the urgency to stop the abuse intensifies. Too many families suffer through emotional, physical and sexual abuse in silence, ashamed at their circumstance and fearful of reaching out.
Even when a vow of eternal commitment is made, such as a wedding vow or a partner commitment, it is important to remember that such a vow does not include acceptance of abuse and violence.
Personal Story
One day while I was at work in an agency serving victims of domestic abuse, the receptionist called to tell me “Eve” was there to see me. Anxiously I went to the lobby to look for her as it had been many months since last we had spoken and I had been very concerned for her safety. I looked around the waiting room but didn’t see her. As I turned to go back through the security door, she called my name.
Eve had changed so much! Where before her eyes were clouded with suspicion and fear, now they twinkled with joy! She walked stooped over, bent under the weight of 30 years of grinding religious, sexual, physical and psychological abuse when we first met. Now she stood tall and fit, with her natural hair color shining in the sun streaming through the windows.
Eve told me she had come alive in every way. She took her spiritual life back and had found a great peace in being alone. She found work again as a teacher for special education students even though her former spouse had tried to make her lose her license to teach by spreading lies about her. Her children had begun to see the ways that their father had abused them as well as their mother, now that she had gained the strength to stand up for herself, though initially they had sided with her ex-husband.
We laughed together about saying goodbye to the person she once was—the one I was looking for in that waiting room—while saying hello to the new life that was born when she found her way out of abuse.
As a chaplain and counselor to families seeking an end to violence and abuse, I have seen hundreds of people find safe passage away from a partner addicted to power and control and into a life of independence. It is not easy and it can be safely done only with careful planning.
The most dangerous time for a person seeking to end a relationship with an abuser is AFTER the abused person leaves. Many abusers cannot tolerate the loss of the control exerted on the other, using threats (including death) and actual violence to maintain control over the partner and the relationship. The abuser demands to be the one who decides how, if ever, the relationship can end.
In some situations the controlling partner uses religious scripture to assert a right to control, other times isolation from family and community is used, preventing a partner from going to church, to keep the family secret at home, under wraps. But no one has the right to such control over another person, and it is sacrilegious to use scripture as a weapon of power.
Many people who are in love with someone who abuses them find it very difficult to sort out social norms of romantic love from the reality of their situation. Social obligations to stay together for the sake of the children or embarrassment at having lived this way for so long keeps the abuser in control. Often the abuser uses the victim’s strong hope for a better life to maintain his/her control. Many abusers apologize and go through periods of regret that inspire hope for a better future. The victim of abuse desperately wants the promise of change to be true and lasting.
However, no one can make the person who uses power and control change. There are no consistently reliable treatment programs to help abusers to change, though some do find a better path through individual counseling. The legal system (police, courts) can often be helpful to a victim of abuse, connecting her/him to assets in the community (counseling, shelters, escape plans, recovery programs).
As people of faith, Unitarian Universalists strongly believe in the possibility of transformation of mind, body and soul. Both the person committing abuse and the one who is abused can find a better life, but rarely can they do this together. Each needs her/his own support system and deep commitment to a better life. Only after a time of healing can a future—together or apart—be seen clearly.
A Prayer
As the great African American hymn goes:
There is more love somewhere,
There is more love, somewhere.
I’m gonna to keep on, ’til I find it,
There is more love somewhere.
more hope,
more peace,
more joy
somewhere.
Amen. May it be so.
A Spiritual Practice
While living with abuse, some spiritual practices such as journaling may be challenging and unsafe—the abuser might read the journal and interpret private thoughts as threatening to the power and control s/he demands.
If you are safe now, however, journaling can help you to find the patterns and promises of your life again. Write about the life you want to have, imagine the way forward into a new beginning. Let yourself dream of an expanded world of possibility and hope.
There are other spiritual practices that one can keep more private in any situation. Taking the time for meditation and reflection can be strengthening to your spirit.
Try this simple introduction to meditation—I learned it from Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk:
flower- fresh
mountain – solid
water – reflecting
space – free
You can use these words for sitting or walking meditation. If sitting, breathe in and hold the image “flower” in your thought, breathe out and feel the feeling “fresh”. Repeat the process for each word and go through the cycle again and again for the time you have set aside. Just one round of breathing with the words and images can help you to feel more settled and more peaceful. Try it!
For some people sitting is difficult. Thich Nhat Hanh encourages using walking meditation:
one step: flower,
next step, fresh,
and so on.
You can make up your own pairs of words to strengthen and extend your spiritual practice.
May your life unfold in love, in love, in love.
May you bring to this moment hope for a better day.
Set aside old patterns,
Open to change,
Break free of bondage,
Tie yourself to life, to life, to life!
Let your spirit sing!
Breathe.
Walk
Live
Love.
Amen and Amen and Amen.
- Domestic Abuse and Intimate Partner Violence - November 11, 2011
