Facing Vulnerability
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Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? Vulnerability is both necessary to create the real connections we crave as human beings, and it involves the risk of being rejected for the true and vulnerable selves that we might share with others.
In Daring Greatly author Brené Brown has an entire chapter on habits that we cultivate to avoid being vulnerable. Let me share a few of them and you can see if any of these patterns might appear in your own life.
One of the habits she mentions is the practice of “foreboding joy,” which basically means that in the midst of experiencing something that we should find joyful and fulfilling, we instead activate a message in our mind about all the things that can go wrong. By hedging our bets we distance ourselves from connection. We give fear power over our vulnerability.
Another way of resisting vulnerability is to practice numbing. Numbing can be anything we use to replace our authentic connections with other human beings. Numbing can take the form of an addiction, a compulsive behavior, or any tried and true way of distracting ourselves from our interconnections. A third way of resisting vulnerability is perfectionism. Perfectionism isn’t the same as having high standards. It insists on having control over all the variables before you open yourself up. It is an attempt to remove all elements of risk.
Reading this chapter on ways we armor ourselves against vulnerability, I found myself feeling, well, vulnerable. To tell the truth, I realized that I turn to all three—foreboding joy, numbing, and perfectionism—but especially perfectionism. Man, she had me nailed. In reading this book I saw how I practice perfectionism in ministry as a way of resisting vulnerability.
For instance, a situation will come up in which I have to respond to something difficult or challenging, or a question will come up that’s hard to answer. And the voice inside of my head will say, “Thom, you should know the answer to this question. Only a fraud wouldn’t know the answer.”
And the voice inside of my head will demand that I not only offer an answer, but that the answer must carry the wisdom of the ages, must be brilliant, must be original, must be spoken poetically and with confident assurance. No fumbling. No hemming and hawing.
In the quest to come up with the perfect answer, what I sacrifice is vulnerability, which might arise were I able to admit that I struggle with such challenging questions. In the discomfort of my imperfection I forget that connection is increased by my vulnerability to wrestle openly. We can only struggle our way through hard moments when we are vulnerable to the reality of all we don’t know.
- Disobeying Herod - January 1, 2018
- The Question of Evil - November 26, 2014
- Facing Vulnerability - October 1, 2013
