Divorce
“Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before, but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God.”
—Ram Dass
Just as much as marriage, divorce or separation can be a holy choice. When divorce is grounded in deep reflection and care, it can be an expression of love and commitment to life. The covenant of committed partnership is an important one, to be honored and respected. However, ’till death do us part,’ is not a vow to cling to, if the relationship itself is causing death.
A belief in continuing revelation in our search for truth and meaning says that, when new information becomes clear to us, honoring that information is a spiritual path to be followed.
Personal Story
My partner of 19 years and I separated five and a half years ago. It was a mutual decision, no third parties were involved, and we both felt relieved and happier immediately. Our teenager also consistently says that life is better since the separation. My ex and I are still good friends, and co-parents, and talk amicably several times on an average day.
Still, there are times when I feel that I am a failure, or a hypocrite, and words like “broken family” haunt me. Who am I to talk about “standing on the side of love” when I couldn’t maintain the gift of love when it was handed to me on a platter, with bells and whistles attached? Who am I to be a minister to others, talking with them about their marriages and families, when I couldn’t keep my own house in order?
And then, blessedly, an answer comes to me which brings relief in those moments. I am a human being. I am imperfect, flawed, a work in progress, just as my ex is, just as all other human beings are.
I know some divorces are more complicated. A good friend is leaving a marriage rife with emotional abuse, and her healing is more complicated. Others have been betrayed with their partners’ infidelity, or have acted out themselves with other sexual partners or secretive behaviors.
Whatever our situation, the truth of the matter is the same: We are human beings. We are imperfect, flawed, works in progress, as was, or is, our primary relationship and every other relationship we are in. The human family is a broken family, and yet it is whole, and we are whole people.
A Prayer
May the love that was at the core of my marriage or partnership continue to bless the world.
May the courage I felt in making a commitment to love continue to bless me, even as I now make a commitment to a new life going forward.
May I remember that love endures all things, even when that love is deep underground and not easy to see.
May I know that I am part of the human family, now and always.
A Spiritual Practice
Whether or not the separation and divorce was your idea, or whether you were powerless in the aftermath of your ex’s decision, the spiritual practice of separation is the same: Claiming your new path as that which is given to you to walk.
Each morning, envision being on that path, walking alone, leaving your former life behind. What support do you need in order to be able to put one foot in front of the other?
Each evening, ask yourself—who or what helped me on my new path today? Allow yourself to experience gratitude for those helpers, and to imagine them and many others helping you whenever you need it.
No matter how you feel today, the love which you brought to your marriage was yours, and you get to keep it with you when you move on. You don’t need a lawyer for that one!
- From Your Minister - July 1, 2020
- From Your Minister - June 1, 2020
- From Your Minister - May 1, 2020
