Surviving Suicide
That which we sow we shall reap:
when we sow our thoughts we reap our actions;
when we sow our actions we reap our habits;
when we sow our habits we reap our character;
when we sow our character we reap our destiny.
—Hindu proverb
Many of us have long since mastered the art of despair. Many of us have fallen into despair’s trance, memorized by thoughts of suicide.
In some religious circles, the act of killing oneself is a subject of great controversy. Some traditions use their power to shun and shame those who have committed suicide and have the audacity to condemn souls into further despair in the afterlife—as if they had such power. These demeaning beliefs are just as harmful as the religions that turn their back on those in this life. As Unitarian Universalists we seek to build a new way, based on acceptance and love.
Our Unitarian ancestors made this possible when they preached about the oneness of all existence. Our Universalists ancestors set us on this quest when they preached about a universal love. In turn, Unitarian Universalists have made a promise to heal and not harm, to bless and not condemn, to serve the spirit of freedom: freedom from all thoughts and actions that diminish a person’s inherent worth and dignity. In turn, we have been and will continue to be a tradition that promises to, as John Murray writes, give people not hell, but hope and courage. Yes, hope and courage.
So, whether you are experiencing hell right here on earth and having thoughts about taking your life, or whether you, like me, have made such attempts, know that you are in a shame-free zone. Come as you are. Come and lay it all down. Come into this religious house of freedom and know with certainty that we are saved time and time again when we connect with one another. All it takes is a gathering of some kind: a gathering of one, two, or three people. All it takes is a willingness to listen to, to learn from, and to be with one another. In these moments, something magical happens: we come to see clearly that the despair that once clouded our mind evaporates. The hell we once knew evaporates with the hope we find when in one another’s presence.
Personal Story
My dad found a love letter in my pants pocket written to my boyfriend. It was 1991. I was fifteen. It was 1991. I had started my first year of high school, where my classmates were preoccupied with the rodeo and where their trucks were armed with gun racks. In response to my coming out, my grandmother grabbed my hand and said, “I hear there’s a lesbian up at the Unitarian fellowship.” And off we went to meet the lesbian.
I have a confession to make. I don’t remember ever actually meeting the lesbian. I do remember that this little fellowship of a dozen people met in a trailer in Reno, Nevada. Having built a new sanctuary next to that same trailer, the UU Fellowship of Northern Nevada is now over 200 members strong. I found something remarkable that day: community. It was a community of people who renounced fanaticism. They proclaimed reason; they promoted religious freedom, and cultivated humanity.
In my nightstand laid a knife, a note, and a calendar. I was counting down the days with the intent to take my own life. Unbeknownst to my grandmother there were only two days left on the countdown before that fateful Sunday morning. A small group gathered and provided for me an oasis in the desert of despair.
I was hungry for belonging and they fed me hospitality. I was thirsty for self-worth and they offered me a cup of acceptance. I was a stranger and they welcomed me.
Together, we knew freedom.
A Prayer
I wrote the following poem in the spirit of freedom. It is dedicated to all those who struggle with thoughts of suicide and who have lost loved ones to suicide. May we embrace all that gives live, with each and every breath.
Survival Meditation
breathing in
i am aware of my pain.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my pain.
breathing in
i am aware of my past.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my past.
breathing in
i am aware of my anger.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my anger.
breathing in
i am aware of my despair.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my despair.
breathing in
i am aware of peace.
breathing out
i am aware that i am worthy of peace.
breathing in
i am aware of love.
breathing out
i am aware that i am worthy of love.
breathing in
i am aware of joy.
breathing out
i am aware that i am an agent of joy.
breathing in
i am aware of hope.
breathing out
i am aware that i am an agent of hope.
breathing in
i am aware
Spiritual Practice
If ever there is a day when you feel yourself entranced by despair, apply this simple spiritual practice: observe without judging.
Observe the thought. Watch the thought. Watch it like you watch a dramatic movie, but look empathically upon all the characters in the scene, including yourself. But most of all, choose not to play a lead character in the drama.
Observe all that comes in. Observes all that goes out. Observe without judging. Choose not to classify and label and analyze but choose to watch with wonder. Choose not to shame but to accept. Observe all that comes in. Observe all that goes out. And know that just as you take in a new breath, you too can take in new life.
Take in the thought – the fact – that you are alive. Sow this thought into each breath, each word, and every action you take. Make a habit of living, truly living—this day, every day—with the knowledge that your very presence, your character, is the greatest gift you can give another.
So if you long to connect, then reach out to another. If you long to be known, get to know another. If you long for comfort, comfort another. And know than when you do, together you will know freedom.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.—Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Balkhī, otherwise known as Rumi
- Surviving Suicide - November 11, 2011
