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I drove by an accident the other day. Emergency services people were putting a woman on a stretcher. They were tender, attentive, capable. She was being taken care of. Traffic was directed competently around the wreck. It would be cleaned up, hauled away. Taken care of. A fire truck was parked beside the ambulance, its chunky lights flashing. Standing by, just in case a fire happened. So they could take care of it. That was one well-taken-care-of situation.

I wanted to be on that stretcher. I wanted calm and capable people to take care of everything. It looked restful.

I was tired. I was the kind of tired you get at the end of a month-long project. I had pushed through to the finish and I’d made seven mistakes along the way but the thing was done. I was the kind of tired you get when you have ten different people feeling in their heart that you should have done it differently. Their way. I was the kind of tired you get when your house is messy, your grass is too long, your car is cluttered and your gas tank is empty, along with your bank account. A tiny piece of me thought it would be restful to lie down on clean sheets, be fussed over in a clean hospital room, have people bring Jell-o and chicken broth and straws that bend.

Usually I think it’s a good day when I don’t have to take a ride in an ambulance, and I got back to that state of mind pretty fast. Anyway, I talked to a friend of mine who used to work in an emergency room and she said that what happens when you come in is that fast-moving people with big scissors cut off all your clothes. That didn’t sound restful at all. She suggested I pay for a day at a spa where helpful, calm people would fuss over me all day long. I’d rest, but no one would cut off my clothes with scissors. It would be cheaper than a hospital stay, and I could drive home afterward.

I know now that when I have a “stretcher day,” when being helpless looks good to me, I just need to rest. How did I get to be a grown-up and not know that I need to rest sometimes? Resting used to sound weak to me. I used to work sick. Well, I still do that.

I used to have two speeds, a hundred miles an hour and full stop. Crash. I thought I was supposed to go and go at full speed until I couldn’t go any longer, then I slept. Then I’d wake up and start again.

As I get older I’m adding more gears. I have “slow” now. Some days.

One of my holy books, the I Ching, talks about the wisdom of not doing. I get tired when I forget and act like I’m the source of my energy, my love, my creativity. I’m the one who sustains my friends, who gets things done, who works things out.

The poet Rilke wrote about a swan and how awkwardly he moves on the ground. His bearing changes once he lowers himself into the water, which “flows joyfully” beneath him, while the swan, unmoving and marvelously calm, is pleased to be carried, each moment more fully grown, more like a king, further and further on.

I’m experimenting with letting go, allowing wave after wave to hold me up, move me along.

May I be granted the wisdom to know when to paddle my feet.

From Did I Say That Outloud?: Musings of a Questioning Soul by Rev. Meg Barnhouse. Published by Skinner House in 2006, available from the UUA bookstore or 800-215-9076.

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Rev. Meg Barnhouse

Senior Minister at First Unitarian Church of Austin, Texas

Meg Barnhouse grew up in North Carolina and Philadelphia. After graduating from Duke University and Princeton Theological Seminary she spent a chapter of her life in Spartanburg, SC, working first as a college chaplain teaching Public Speaking, Human Sexuality, and World Religions, trying not to get them mixed up. Earning her credentials as a Pastoral Counselor, she ran her own counseling practice while raising her two sons who are now in their twenties.She was active in the community, preaching and teaching in many churches, recording commentaries for NC Public Radio and "Weekend All Things Considered," serving as Interim Minister in several congregations andhelping to found the SAFE Homes Network for battered women. Along the way she earned a second-degree black belt in American Karate. She finished up that southern chapter with seven years as the minister of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Spartanburg.After serving as the Interim Minister at the UU Congregation of Princeton, Meg is now the settled minister at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Austin.
She travels nationwide as a speaker, singer/songwriter and humorist.Often her partner, award winning singer/songwriter Kiya Heartood accompanies her.

Her books, “Rock of Ages at the Taj Mahal,” “The Best of Radio Free Bubba,” “Waking Up the Karma Fairy,” “Return of Radio Free Bubba” and “Did I Say That Out Loud?” are compilations of stories from the radio. The newest book, "Broken Buddha," is a compilation of columns from the UU World online. Her CD, “July Blue,” is a mix of 12 original songs and 3 stories. TheCD, “Mango Thoughts in a Meatloaf Town,” contains more original songs, including “All Will Be Well.” The CD,"Heart of Compassion," is a collection of Meg reading her favorite stories from her books.Ther fifth book is a collection of stories entitled "Broken Buddha".Meg's latest release is a story for all ages and control freaks called," The Couch of the Grand Kokolorum."

Latest posts by Rev. Meg Barnhouse (see all)

• Managing Mistakes - June 1, 2020
• Joy in Ordinary Time - July 1, 2016
• Be a Stream, Not a Swamp - October 1, 2015